Friday, March 21, 2008

Actual Letter...

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

"Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years And I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be Anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a Moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending b.s. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX"

Who are your REAL friends?

A simple test.......

Who is your real friend?

This really works…!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife or husband in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy Spring Everybody!!!

Happy Spring to everybody! Is it warm wherever you are? We got up to almost 80 degrees here yesterday. Everything is pretty close to being in full bloom. Which adds up to allergies for me...blah. Oh well, I still love spring. I will just take a truckload of allergy meds and keep on going.
So, I hope you all have a nice Easter. I will be with my daughter. Shopping. And that makes me very happy. Poor hubby is going to be all alone, but he was invited to come with us. He refused. Artfully ignored me, is probably a bit closer to the truth. He would love to see our daughter, just not if he has to do it at the mall. He will stay here and play dog-sitter instead.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A case of the OUCHIES...

One of our dogs (Scarlet) is arthritic and old (14 years...which is like a 100 in dog years, or close to it). And she has alot of trouble getting down the back steps to go outside to do ...well, her doggie business. So most of the time, we pick her up and carry her down the steps. She's not exactly a tiny little lap dog. She weighs about 50 lbs, and for me, thats a whole heck of a LOT to drag around. So, I struggle a little. Last night, I was barefoot, wobbling and huffing and puffing to drag Miss Thang out into the backyard. And I stepped short somehow. And my heel scraped all the way down one of the rough brick steps and took a HUGE hunk of skin out. It hurts. I'm whining. Its not all that bad until I have to put shoes on. And I couldn't go to work barefoot, so....I limped and walked like an old lady all day long. Hopefully this heals up soon, because I have a weekend shopping EVENT planned with my daughter. I need to be able to walk dammit.

Monday, March 17, 2008

To Lori; To Hannia; To Erica....

To Lori:
The Girl Scout Cookies arrived and it made Bruce very happy!! Thanks to you and Chelsea, too.
They are just as yummy as I remembered. Haha (pause while I wipe cookie crumbs off of my keyboard). I am looking forward to seeing all of you on the 29th. Have a fun and safe trip next week, too.

To Hannia:
I know you are feeling stressed. A wedding is a LOT of work. If there is anything that I can do to help, anything at all, just pick up the phone, write me an email, or message me on Facebook. I would be more than thrilled to do whatever it is that needs doing. Seriously. Try to relax and just have faith that it WILL all come together just fine. It WILL be beautiful. And if any little thing just so happens to go wrong, you will end up remembering it with fondness. Sometimes its the imperfections that make things interesting. For instance? Our wedding photographer showed up almost an hour LATE for our wedding. All of our actual ceremony pictures were staged AFTER the fact....while our guests were at the reception. And that just makes me smile now as I look back on the pictures.
I think weddings are way overrated, anyway. I do think they are special, happy occasions, but the real serious stuff comes afterwards. The important thing is how you build a life together, not if the food or the music is perfect. Or the ties match the dresses, or any of that....Just think of it as a big party and try to enjoy. You will be surrounded by all the people in the world who love you, and it is going to be wonderful. I am excited!

To Erica:
I CAN! NOT! WAIT! to see you this weekend. Plan on shopping 'til we drop in Richmond! I'm really looking forward to this. One thing, though....please don't make me witness clean laundry lying around on the floor.....Ok? Hahaha...
I really do love you, you know. Oh, and also? Congratulations on the kickball Victory! You and the team are racking up quite the collection of trophies. Very cool!

And that is all I have to say about that for now!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

St. Patrick's Day at work....

So, the social people in my office decided that we should have a St. Patrick's Day party at work tomorrow. I really don't subscribe to the "party-at-work is fun" club. I participate only to avoid being talked about, because they really DO talk smack about the folks that verbally are disinclined to set aside whatever it is that they are doing and go eat excessive amounts of fat and sugar in the break room. And they always do it at like 9am. In the morning!!! But oh well. I was told to bring something "Green" or Irish, or holiday related somehow. What exactly would that be? Green beer perhaps? So we can all get trashed and then go nap for a few hours? I don't know. I think that I will make those easy-to-whip-up sausage/cheese balls. Those aren't offensive at the crack of dawn. But I have to make them holiday, I will serve them in a bowl lined with green napkins and call them Leprechaun Balls. Yeah, I think thats the best way to go....hahaha.